I Should Be So Lucky Lucky, In Zanzibar

In Zanzibar the locals use Dala Dalas to commute around the island. A Dala Dala is basically a converted truck with two benches running along both sides of the back of the vehicle. So good they named it twice, on a Dala Dala there’s always room for one more person, 35 people I counted at one point, now I know what those slaves must’ve felt like whilst being shipped to Zanzibar.

Too close for comfort in a Dala Dala

The tiny village of Pongwe on the East Coast of Zanzibar is the place I’ve been looking for to get away from the crowds and do nothing for a few days. Only eating octopus, sitting in the sun and writing this godforsaken blog, life can be so cruel sometimes. 


In a place as remote and off the map as this, it’s the last place you’d expect to see a toon fan. Well in Pongwe, Yonson assures me he is Zanzibar’s biggest “Newcastle Team” fan. He knows what he’s wearing and hasn’t mistaken the famous black and white stripes for a Juventus shirt, which is a good start, but the fact he thought I was Fabricio Collocini when I showed him a picture of me in the St James’ Park changing rooms is making me think he may have just liked the colours. 


Pongwe is primarily a fishing village but a lot of the coastal dwellers make their income from seaweed farming. The seaweed grows at a rate of 7% per day, increasing tenfold from its original weight in a fortnight. Most of it is sent abroad and used for its main extract, carrageenan, a natural gelling agent used for cosmetics, toothpaste and medicine. The farmers earn on average $60-100 per month, what can easily be blown on a night out in the town at home. 


Nungwi on the Northern tip of Zanzibar is admittedly a nicer beach. Go there at sunset to see some local guys practicing capoeira.



Nungwi is a lot more touristy than Pongwe and probably everywhere else on the island. The beach is lined with expensive hotels catering for package holiday makers and restaurants selling pretty much the same food as the next one. The most annoying thing is the amount of hassle you get from the hoards of local beach boys selling snorkelling trips, bus tickets, boat trips, crappy souvenirs and anything else you can think of to make some money. Then there’s the fake Masai selling fake sunglasses and fake Masai art, and not to forget the gigalos selling themselves to the Western women who want a bit of fun in the sun. The tourists I can deal with, but when you can’t walk down the beach in peace for a few minutes without being fist pumped and followed by a so called Rasta selling crap African ganja then there’s something seriously wrong, and quite how you can be the ‘brother from another mother’ of a guy you’ve just met I’ll never know. 


So the bottom line is, Nungwi isn’t my favourite place and needs sorting out fast as the hawkers are giving it a bad reputation. The only reason we came here though was to dive one of Zanzibar’s most famous site, Mnemba island. 


The tiny coral atoll is home to many deep drop off walls and small colourful reefs. It’s was nice for its large schools of fish and many moray eels. I was really amazed to see a school of rare ‘lucky lucky’ fish, who approached me from behind sporting Bob Marley hats trying to sell me ‘I love Zanzibar’ t-shirts, it seems even underwater you can’t escape the touts! 




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Like a Rolling Stone

Zanzibar is a semi-autonomous state within the Republic of Tanzania, not an independent sovereign state. The islands have been in contact with Persia, Arabia and India along with the coast of East Africa for over two thousand years, while the rest of the African interior remained relatively unexplored. Serving as a major trading route to much of the East, it is seeped with deep and rich history.  

Arab traders originally named the East African coast ‘Zinj El Barr’ meaning ‘land of the black people’ for obvious reasons. Stonetown, the capital and largest settlement, situated on the East coast of Unguja island, was once the largest town in the whole of East Africa during the colonial period. There are many interesting colonial buildings in the town from the Omani, Portuguese and British occupation which are best seen on a guided tour. I prefer just taking in the town’s character and getting lost in its many winding alleyways. This is perfectly doable on your own if your’re prepared to deal with Stonetown’s many ‘Papaasi’ – bloodsucking pests. These hustlers will follow you around and will do anything to make a quick dollar or two from a tourist. I was pestered for a while by a papassi wearing a Celtic top, which was not the first time I’ve seen a Glaswegian stumbling around struggling to speak a word of English. 



Through the day when the men of Stonetown aren’t out fishing or hassling mzungu, you will find them sitting around doing nothing or playing board games on the street.


Thousand of slaves were brought to Zanzibar to be sold and then sent to work on the clove plantations or shipped further afield to Arabia or India. In the former slave market you can see the pits where the slaves were put on display and the dungeon where they were chained together and stacked up like packs of flour in Aldi. To get an idea of what it would be like being trapped in a horrible, depressing place in the height of the Zanzibari summer, I just had to go back to my hotel room. When the slave trade was abolished in 1873 an Anglican cathedral was erected. It’s said that the cathedral’s alter was once the spot of the slave markets whipping block, parts of the crucifix at the top of the spire are carved from the tree where David Livingstone’s heart was buried in Zambia. 


Tippu Tip was an Arab Slave trader who allegedly got his name from his blinking eyes that resembled a local bird by the same name. He personally owned more than 10,000 slaves on his plantations but incredibly justified his actions by claiming that Abraham and Jacob who appear in the Koran and the Bible respectively were slave owners themselves, I suppose he keeps telling himself that Joseph was really a wife beater too. You can view his house from the outside with its grant Zanzibari door, signifying his wealth. 


Prison island 6km away from Stonetown, was originally owned by a wealthy Arab trader as a detention centre for disobedient slaves but then was sold when Livingstone helped slavery become a thing of the past. A prison was built here but instead it was used as a quarantine island for all passengers arriving from India in the 1920’s. Today the island is home to a large creep of giant tortoises. 


You’re able to feed the tortoises and get close enough to hear the beasts grunting and farting. There’s an ok snorkelling spot on the way back to Stonetown, which sadly had to be cut short. Yesterday’s chicken arms didn’t agree with me and I’ve my own tortoises head popping out!  



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Chicken Arms Strike Again 

Inconveniently, most trips must start with a journey to London as being our capital, it connects us to many worldwide destinations. The good thing is if you book early enough you can get the megabus for only £1. I managed to make it all the way to Gatwick airport for less than a fiver – a quid for a second hand metro ticket from the enterprising charva who hangs around the machine, £1 megabus to Victoria, £2 easybus to Gatwick airport. The disappointing part is that after travelling 300 miles for the price of a happy meal I was forced to pay £3 to go the final mile and less than a minutes travel for the shuttle bus to the travel lodge, that’s London for you! 

After a short transit in Istanbul we arrived in Dar es Salaam almost two days after leaving Newcastle. I’m tired and I’m hungry and can’t wait to try some local food. Sadly my first Tanzanian meal was a forgettable one, a 70 minute wait for some rice and a severely deep fried chicken carcass. I thought the chef may of fell asleep whilst cooking this fine meal, but then I remembered that now I should be operating on Africa time, so shouldn’t expect anything to happen in a hurry or on schedule.

Chicken Arms , and not for the first time


Dar es Salaam is Tanzania’s largest city that was founded next to a tiny fishing village by Sultan Majid of Zanzibar. It’s thought that it’s name is a corruption of Dari Salaam meaning House of Peace, a name the Sultan gave his palace in honour of the original fishing village, Mzizima, which means tranquil place in local dialect. On first impressions Dar is anything but a tranquil place, it’s a typical busy African city. For now Dar is a place to fly in to and spend as little time here as possible here. Although it may have a few colonial buildings and a little bit of character, it’s not somewhere I can be particularly bothered with right now. 


The ferry to Zanzibar was full so we were forced to spend a little more time in Dar than originally anticipated. We came across a congregation of folk from all over East Africa selling all sorts of herbal medicines and handicrafts. There were some excellent and very reasonable priced items here, but how do you explain to the pushy Kenyan woman that you’ve just arrived and would rather not hump around a rucksack full of tribal masks for the next two months? 

The Burundi Department

 A little further afield is the Kariakoo market, a place where the British army corps were stationed during WWII. Both sides of the streets are lined with manic stalls mainly selling fresh fruit and not so fresh electrical appliances. It’s here where a saw my first Tanzanian bum sporting a Sunderland shirt, no matter where in the world you go, some things never change… 






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Abyssinian Dreams

It’s been some months now since my visit to Ethiopia. The feeling I get every time I return to the UK after a trip, however long it may be, is a felling of “did that really happen?” Could it be the stark contrast between the heart of Africa and Northern England that makes the experience so surreal or the fact that I’d done so much in such a short space of time? So now that another African odyssey is in the horizon I’ve been reflecting on what Ethiopia was, or wasn’t like. 

Got the shirt, but did I go there and do that?


Rather than describe old Abyssinia for how it is, it would be easier to tell you how it is not. Far too many minds conjure up images of the 1985 famine – starvation, death, children with swollen bellies, deserts and dark spectres of Africa. Yes parts of Ethiopia are very poor and there are deserts, but the majority of the country is a fertile high altitude plain, a virtual mountain kingdom. 

Typical village scene in Western Ethiopia

Ethiopia emerged from the scrabble for Africa as one of the two nations on the continent to never be colonised by European powers, making it a truly unique place. There were two Italio-Ethiopian wars, but from what I saw the only influence the Italians left on the country is probably the worst spaghetti you’ll ever taste. Apart from that, Ethiopian food is delicious. Contra to popular belief Ethiopian cuisine does not consist of nothing, injera is the stable food – a sour pancake made from fermented teff (a grain grown unique to the plateau), this can be served with numerous sauces or meats varying in taste. Wednesdays and Fridays are fasting days for orthodox Christians where meat and dairy products are forbidden, so you’re basically a vegan for two days of the week, which isn’t particularly a bad thing and helps the population maintain a very healthy and balanced diet. 


Locals sharing a Shiro with Injera


Shekla Tibs

In 1582 when the rest of the Christian world dropped the Julian calendar in favour of the revised Gregorian calendar, Ethiopia didn’t. As a result Ethiopia is seven years and eight months ‘behind’ the rest of the world. So it’s 2007, that explains the droves of young indie kids sporting tight black black jeans with £6.50 army surplus store trainers prancing around to the Fratellis. Just to confuse things there’s also 13 months to a year and the day starts at 6 instead of 12. Wouldn’t it be nice to start work at Ethiopian time? 


Waiting for a bus on Ethiopian time

Rastafarians worship Haile Selassie, the former emperor of Ethiopia, as God incarnate. In fact, the name of the movement is a blend of two words, the Emperor’s pre-imperial name – Ras ( the equivalent of Duke in English) and his given name, Tafari Makonnen. Many Rastafarians throughout the world came to live in Ethiopia after the emperor’s death in 1975 and set up a commune on the outskirts of a town called Sheshamane. My visit to the commune was a very short and unpleasant one. Upon my arrival at the Twelve Tribes of Israel headquarters I was immediately surrounded by a hoard of pushy, fist pumping, plastic Ethiopian Rastas, trying to sell everything from Ethiopia’s best ganja to tacky Bob Marley wigs. I had a quick conversation with the commune’s elder but couldn’t really concentrate when at the same time the chancers outside were claiming that I was in debt to them for opening the commune’s gate. There was a bad vibe from the get go so my visit was cut abruptly short. I wonder if the hustler’s frosty reception had anything to do with the fact one of us was wearing a shirt saying ‘F*ck off! I’m Irish’…

I spent my final days in Ethiopia back in Addis Ababa a city I’d grown to love. My final weekend turned out to coincide with Bob Marley’s 70th birthday celebrations, they were unveiling a statue of the man himself in the city. I attended a massive Reggae party at Jams night club around the Bole-wood district of Addis, which seemed to be a fitting end to an incredible trip. As the horn hook from Jimmy Cliff’s classic ‘You can get it if you really want’ resonated throughout the small club, I had a sudden epiphany – this Ethiopian journey has been mind blowing and life changing for all the right reasons, and proved to me that you can get it if you really want. Even if the whole thing was just a dream. LTW. 

Harold Marcus’ History of Ethiopia was an exellent informative read before and during my visit

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Smell The Coffee 

Western Ethiopia is the corner of the country that is mostly ignored by travellers for a few reasons, its lack of well known sights, the proximity to South Sudan and our fear of the unknown. All these were good enough reasons for me to head out there. The nine hour bus journey takes you through a landscape that will abolish all preconceptions about Ethiopia being a land of desert and famine, as even during the dry season the Western Highlands are lush and green with a tropical feel that I’ve yet to experience in this country.

Jimma is the largest town and capital of the Kaffa region and has few sights, but there are some decent day trips out into the surrounding area. Lake Boye a few kilometres outside of the town isn’t exactly a lake but a bog, is a reliable place to see hippos. The Hippopotamus’ name derives from a Greek word for ‘river horse’, you would expect finding these huge beasts to be a simple task but you really need to know where to look around the river. Thankfully for a small fee you can hire some young boys who work as semi professional hippo locators to help you find the Hippopotamus amphibius.

  The Hippo Locators

Hippos are the deadliest animal in Africa and are responsible for 300+ human deaths per year. I did see one hippo behind a tree on the other side of the riverbank but decided to get a little closer in search of a National Geographic style photo. Hippos are extremely aggressive and easily frightened so by the time I got close enough it made a mad dash into the water. They can run as fast as 30mph on land so sadly even with the help of the hippo locators who threw stones at the beast I was unable to get that vital shot. But for those of you who are unsure of what a hippo looks like I have attached a photo anyway…

My wildlife hunting escapades continued when I’d heard about a reliable place to spot Hyenas on the outskirts of town. The Hyena belt as it’s known is no wildlife sanctuary, just a strip of garbage. The best time to catch the laughing mammals is around dusk, to the locals it must look funny seeing a Farenji wandering around in a sea of plastic bags repeating the word ‘Djibb’, which is Amharic for hyena. They never turned up, guess they got the last laugh.

Kaffa is the region where the Arabica strain of coffee originated. It’s thought to have been discovered by a young herdsman called Kaldi when his goats became hyperactive after eating the wild leaves and berries. Kaldi then integrated the coffee into the local monastery where the monks first laughed at the idea that anything growing on tree can give a stimulating effect, so threw all the berries into the fire. It was only then that the monks became seduced by the fumes from the fire that they decided to give it a go. The rest is history and now coffee accounts for 70% or Ethiopia’s annual foreign revenue.

In this famously coffee mad country I wanted to visit a coffee forest in the area. Sadly it’s not the right time of year so there were no berries in bloom, in fact I think we were more interest to the locals than the forest was to us. It did give me the chance to create an Ethiopian Abbey road though.

Come Together

Getting away from Jimma was the most psychologically demanding journey I’ve done in the country. What should have been a three hour bus ride took closer to seven. The public bus wasn’t full when leaving so stopped every couple of minutes to let people on or off and seen as it was a Friday, stopped for around 45 minutes for all the passengers to pray. This is generally the type of laid back, no urgency attitude I’ve come to expect from Africa and if anything this journey has taught me that getting annoyed or being impatient isn’t going to help and certainly isn’t going to make things different. Just sit back, things will happen when Africa decides it will happen.

The town of Weliso en route back to Addis was a suitable place to stop and recharge my brain after sitting on the never-ending bus all day. The church here, Weliso Maryam, attracts many sick, disabled and mentally ill pilgrims who are said to be cured from the holy water that flows into the church. As it happened my embarrassing case of piles that I had from sitting down too much on long Ethiopian bus journeys had miraculously disappeared. Now I’m a belieber!

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Up On The Downside

Possibly the singular most popular tourist attraction in Ethiopia are the rock-hewn churches of Lalibela. Capital of the Zagwe dynasty which ruled Ethiopia from the 10th to 13th centuries, the town is named after King Lalibela himself.


The dozen or so churches are carved into the rocks in the surrounding area by the world’s greatest craftsmen and artisans, and some supposedly by the help of angels in one day. Lalibela is a tourist town, and the downside of mainstream tourism is that it creates scams, overpricing and greed. Here all the kids ask for money, everyone wants to offer you some kind of service, and worst of all the entrance fee for these churches stands at a ridiculous $50 making them the world’s most expensive places of worship, why? Because people pay it.


To put that into perspective, St.Paul’s cathedral costs £10 and Notre Dam is free. The deacon of the Ethiopian Orthodox Church ordered the drastic price increase last year when he realised that all travellers have an endless pot of money. Promising to help the local area with the money, the only signs of change so far is now the deacon and his cronies drive around in Lamborghinis, wear Cartier watches and eat truffles for breakfast. There was no way I was ever going to pay £32 to see a church, but I did manage to sneak into the most impressive, Bet Giyorgis, by bathing myself in onions, then walking in with a hoard of rich French tourists. St.George as he is known to you and I, was apparently raging that King Lalibela never created a rock-hewn church dedicated to him so the pair had words. It was then that Lalibela said that the most majestic of churches would be carved into the mountain providing George picked his dummy up.

Proof I was there

Accommodation in Lalibela is also expensive for Ethiopia, the upside is I did manage to find the biggest dive in town. Tena Adam hotel is situated right behind the bus station. To describe this place as a step up from the gutter would be very kind word and at just over two quid a night, I felt robbed. Maybe I should’ve slept in the bus station.


After returning to Addis for a few days I decided to travel South to the city of Hawassa. Hawassa is the largest city in the Rift Valley and it’s name derives from a local Sidamo word meaning ‘wide plain suitable for grazing’. The city is nice and friendly in comparison to Lalibela but the downside is there’s not an awful lot to do here. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Sometimes the real beauty of a place lies within the people, the culture and the general vibe, not some massive tourist attraction. The Lake Hawassa offers an insane array of big bird life, here thousands of Marabou storks live by the waters, to the locals these lanky creatures are nothing more than pests just like pigeons and seagulls are elsewhere.




Tabor hill offers some nice views of Hawassa and on a Sunday you will see hardcore church goers flamboyantly praying on its sacred earth. The upside of Hawassa is most of the kids won’t ask for money but just follow you along looking at you as they think it’s cool to hang out with Farenjis, harmless enough.



Football is huge in Ethiopia. The English Premier League seems to be the competition most people follow. Almost everyone you speak to seems to support Manchester United or Arsenal, when I tell them I support Newcastle the reply is normally ‘Alan Shearer’ or ‘they used to be a good team’ or ‘hahahahahaha’. I happened to be in town when there was an Ethiopian Premier League game taking place between Hawassa City and Dedebit F.C.


The quality of the match was decent enough as there were a few international players and a few thousand turned out. The downside is I was collared by a mute whose only way of communicating was by letting out a high pitched grunt and writing things down on a piece of paper. After 30 minutes I fathomed out he was actually the brother of one of the Dedebit players. Things started getting weird when he scribbled down on his scrap of paper that he loved me, making me wonder if he was actually a mute at all or if he’d just dropped a few E’s before the game.



Hawassa City created plenty of chances but lacked that killer touch, they ended up losing 0-2 and remained in the relegation zone. The home fans went away unhappy with the result, but on the upside at least the ticket only cost 15p! Later that day I paid three times that to watch Arsenal on the TV.



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Life On Mars?

Danakil Depression sounds like a personality disorder that would likely get you some time off work, but it is actually a large area of Northeastern Ethiopian that straddles the Eritrean border. Many points drop below 100m making it the hottest place on earth (apparently), the lowest point in Africa and as they say, one of the most inhospitable regions in the world. Certainly Danakil claims many superlatives, but scientifically speaking it is one of the driest and most tectonically active regions on our planet and effectively a southerly terrestrial extension of the rifting process that formed the Red Sea. Visiting this place is a god awful small affair, but will I ever be in Northern Ethiopia again? Probably not.

Near the settlement of Hamed Ela are the vast salt pans which were created because of the low elevation and the Danakil’s proximity to the Red Sea. The nomadic people of the region and the oldest ethnic group in Ethiopia known as the Afar, mine salt from this area and ferry it to and from Mekele with their camel caravans, a round trip takes fourteen days. Workers here have struck for fame and are very high earners by Ethiopian standards, still doesn’t stop them demanding money for photos, how tight can you get!




Blocks of salt are cut into perfect rectangular bars so it easier to load the camels

Salt Lake Asale is officially the lowest point in Africa at 116m below sea level and is thought to be haunted by the evil spirit Abo Labo. The only thing haunting about this experience is the chafing I’m getting between John Wayne’s hairy saddle bags.


Doing a Gandhi

Dallol means colourful place in the Afar language. As you walk through this field of sulphurous hot springs not only does it smell like Ethiopian omelettes but you can also hear the bubbling chemical reactions taking place under your feet. The freakiest show in the Danakal wouldn’t look out of place under the sea as the zinc, potassium and sulphur deposits look strikingly like sea coral.




When you go on a group excursion it’s very unfortunate to be lumbered with a ‘professional’ photographer. Not only do they make the rest of the party wait until they’ve taking at least 3000 photos of each subject, but they seem to think they’re entitled to the seat with the clearest view spoiling everybody else’s shots. #arsehole


Salt mountain is a mixture of salt and other minerals which is why this is never mined by the Afar. I’d be very surprised if the area had never been used for a Hollywood film set as this reminds be of so many things – Planet of the Apes, Krypton…Mars?


Look at those cavemen go!

Bubbling potassium pool


The main attraction, money shot and best selling show in the Danakil has to be the Erte Ale volcano. The easy three hour hike rises from below sea level to a summit of around 600m where at the top you’re rewarded with the world’s only permanent lava pit. It’s believed that the crater has a continuous link to a shallow magma chamber. The locals of course have got their own ideas and assume that Erte Ale is the gateway to Hell so many of them refuse to look into it, maybe these Afar men should have a walk around Hendon in Sunderland, then they’d know what Hell really looks like.


Danakil is like a geologists sunken dream, I don’t think there is anywhere in the world where bubbling potassium pools, lunar landscapes, sulphurous springs and super active volcanoes lie within within the same relatively small vicinity. Here’s another superlative, the depression is the most bizarre place I’ve ever visited from Ibiza to the Norfolk Broads! And to think that people actually exist here, it makes you wonder if there’s life here, is there life on Mars?


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Normally when you arrive in a new town in Ethiopia there’s someone on hand asking what you’re looking for or if you need any help. As of late, my response has been “I’m looking for a hotel, the cheapest shithole available”. Let me tell you, for £2.50 you get what you pay for in this country!


Debre Damo monastery is notable for its Axumite stone church, but more so for its ridiculous cliff top position. As you approach the monastery it looks like nothing more than a giant rock that wouldn’t look out of place in Avatar.


Abba Aregawi founded the monastery in the 10th or 11th centuries, legend has it that a flying serpent chauffeured Abba and his fellow monks along with bricks and mortar to the top. Nowadays to reach the summit of the 3000m high amba (flat topped hill) you must climb the 20m wall using a leather rope. Most people opt to use a safety harness, but myself being action man, went without.


Once inside the monastery the place is completely deserted, bar one priest who opened the church and showed me a bible written in the ancient Ge’ez tongue and printed on goat skin. Over 70 monks live here but most of them pray solo in their own caves that can only be accessed by rope lowered down from the main monastery. Tough life being an Ethiopian monk…




When I exited the church a monk appeared seemingly from out of nowhere and took it upon himself to pour us all a pint of home brewed beer. The beer tasted like dirty dish water and looked like one of those cockroach smoothies that they always have to drink on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. I politely declined a second helping, as I didn’t really fancy getting on it in this monastery. The clearly intoxicated, grunting monk pointed out a few paintings around the church then seemed to just vanish into thin air just like Abba Aregawi had at the end of his mortal life!

Pissed on roach smoothie

A nearby tomb

The Tigray region in Northern Ethiopia is the abode of over 20 medieval churches carved into the faces of sandstone cliffs. Abuna Yemata Guh, as well as sounding like a song from the Lion King is probably the most inaccessible of the lot and is often billed as the most inaccessible church anywhere in the world. Hewn into a roadrunner style cliff set in an Old Testament landscape, you first have to hike for about 45 mins from the main road to nowhere until you reach a vertical rock face.


Here some ‘scouts’ will follow you and try to tell you where to put your hands and feet, then demand a few quid each for their so-called service. Sorry, but just because I don’t climb the wall dozens of times a day and in 6 seconds flat, doesn’t mean I need your help. I just climbed the 5 metre wall in about 4 seconds and wondered what everyone was on about when they spoke of this ‘terrifying’ wall. I threw some pocket dust down for the old men, I hope this is a sufficient enough tip for doing absolutely nothing.


Once I clambered over some more boulders the priest showed me to the remains of some former religious bodies that once walked these very rocks. Some of the skeletons still had flesh clinging onto the bones, what the hell! I’m going to start calling this priest father dead…


The final ascent to the top requires you to squeeze through a small gap in the rocks, then along a narrow ledge overlooking a sheer 200m drop, then through the hole and into the small church carved into the mountainside. Inside there is a collection of nice, well maintained wall and ceiling murals. No one knows why these churches were made like this, possibly for security or maybe just spiritual isolation.




9 Apostles

The priest started acting himself up towards the end by asking for 100% tip on top of what I’d already payed to see the church, after the hassle I’d already dealt with from his cronies on the way up, I was disappointed by their behaviour and left slightly jaded by the experience. I’m sure some Ethiopians just see white men as walking ATM machines. If so, then I must be one of those that is constantly out of order and spits your plastic out. Never mind, free lift home on the back of a truck, got to take the rough with the smooth in Ethiopia!


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Axum Is Nice Good Place (sic)

Gonder is the best place to arrange treks to the Simien Highlands. It also served as the capital of the imperial empire for 250 years until its central monarchy lost its importance to other regional leaders. Built by Emperor Fasilidas in 1635 , the only still standing castle in Africa that was not erected by Europeans lies within the city’s royal enclosure. Avoid paying the steep £7.50 entrance fee by sneaking in the exit to the enclosure, which isn’t clearly signposted from the outside.


The black-maned Abyssinian lion was an important royal symbol throughout the history of Ethiopia. Lions would’ve been kept in the enclosure for ceremonial purposes and their cages still stand within the grounds.


Fasilidas pool just outside of Gondar town is said to be Fasilidas’ second residence. The pool is the centre stage for the annual Timkat festival in Gondar.


Getting from Gondar to Axum is no walk in the park. You’re required to wake up at 4:30am and sit on a cramped, smelly, bone shaking public bus for 9 hours while it clashes its way along one of the worst roads imaginable. The views are nice, but that’s where the fun ends. The bus will stop a few times so you can buy double deep fried snacks and pay to piss into a filthy hole in the ground, in the meantime you just have to make do with a bus load of coughing and travel sick Ethiopians. Desperate times call for desperate measures…


Axum is the place where the roots of modern Ethiopia lie. Not too much is known about the Axumite empire, but they say that it was one of the big players in world trade between the 1st and 7th centuries AD. For a city with such a high caliber, I expected its sights to be a lot more impressive or interesting. The main attraction is the stelae field, their main purpose has little scholarly basis but it’s presumed they were erected to accredit numerous kings and other important figures within the Axumite empire.


The largest standing stelae at 23 metres high belongs to King Ezana. The standing of the obelisk is one of mankind’s great mysteries, but local legend believes that it was the work of the mysterious powers of the Ark of the Covenant situated over the road, which by the way you have to pay £7.50 to look a building from the outside which apparently holds the Tabot aka the original 10 commandments, great value for money. A more realistic idea of how the stelae was erected is that they were fetched 25km after being cut from a quarry and howked up using a few elephants and a lot of man power. The largest of Axum’s stelae, which would’ve being 33m high toppled over whilst it was being erected and has lay there shattered into pieces for the last 2000 years. If this was caught on camera it would be great footage to send into you’ve been framed.


There’s a few tombs in the area, then some more stelae, then tombs, then stelae, stelae, and more stelae, yeah I’m finding it hard to get exited looking a load of knob shaped rocks. There’s an OK modern looking church that is strangely decorated with wacky comic book strip paintings. In my opinion Axum extremely boring and I’m quite disappointed considering the hype surrounding it. Most Ethiopians I’d asked about the city said that Axum is nice good place (sic). It is nice, if you like admiring droves of French tourists.




Oh La La


The Leaning Stelae of Axum

There’s another tall story around the corner about a dirty reservoir that was apparently created 3000 years ago for the Queen of Sheba to bathe in. You can even sit on the very rock where she unrobed to take a dip!



Tired of looking a rocks and hearing tales with very little credibility, I was on the first bus out of Axum the next day. For some reason Ethiopians can’t seem to handle travelling and yet again the bus was full of people being violently sick. I guess the sick thing is something I’ll have to get used to, I must admit though that there seems to be a certain authentic charm about rolling over the Tigraian countryside in a minibus covered in regurgitated injera.

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The Roof Of Africa

Ethiopia unknowingly to some, is set upon a giant plateau and about 50% of the country is over 1500m above sea level. The Simien Mountains is often referred to as ‘The Roof Of Africa’ and is the reason why I first came to Ethiopia to begin with. I’m doing a four day trek into the mountains to take in some of the highlights, I hope I’m not disappointed.


It’s mandatory to hire an armed scout to take you into the national park, for reasons unknown. The guy I ended up with I’m fairly certain is not a trained scout at all, but just a villager who was approached and given a rifle when the park office was short staffed. I didn’t mind though as Haile only spoke about 3 words in four days and was a pretty cool guy to trek with. I also had a guide who had breath so bad it smelled like something had crawled into his oesophagus and died. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to ask him something without being sick but thankfully the highland air disguised the stench, to a certain extent.


Day one of the trek was quite light and mainly followed the road but already the views were quite spectacular. We passed through a few villages with some token snotty nosed kids who like being photographed. It’s a shame the adults won’t smile for your photos unless you pay them…



Endemic to Ethiopia is the Gelada Baboon. It’s estimated over 7000 of these beasts live in the Simien Highlands alone. The baboons hang around in herds of up to 400 and don’t mind their human counterparts getting up close one bit, last time I was surrounded by this many anthropoids must have been when I ended up nightclubbing in Sunderland on a Friday night.






Some of the views from the Simiens look toward the vast valleys of Eritrea, which at one time were ancient hills but over millions of years have eroded into thousands of pinnacles.


When doing a four day trek of this kind it’s very interesting to see the landscape change before your very eyes. The route leads you past the Gich Abyss and into a beautiful valley where the Jinbar river flows, then up and over a picturesque savannah which looks very African, well, that’s because it is…




The twin peaks ‘mullets’ are quite iconic rocks and the image that will appear on a lot of Simien Highland post cards, why they’re named after a vile 80’s hairstyle is anyone’s guess. Imet Gogo at 3940 is possibly the most dramatic scenery in the mountains offering 360 degree views of the surrounding valleys, wake me up, for Imet Gogo! Inatye (4070m) about another 2 hours hike, isn’t too shabby either.




The Walia Ibex is also endemic to the area but is a lot rarer than the Geladas. I was lucky enough to spot a few Walias near the end of the trek, I wasn’t that impressed by them as I though they just looked like a clumsy mountain goat, that’s probably why the Walias is also the nickname of the Ethiopian national football team.


On the final morning we made our ascent to Bwahit peak, which at 4430m, like the Berlin song ‘took my breath away!’ So Bwahit may not be the highest peak in Africa, and only the second highest in Ethiopia for that matter, but the Simien mountains have blown away any topography I’ve ever seen before and exceeded all expectations. This calls for one thing…posing with Haile’s rifle!



Categories: Ethiopia | Tags: , , | 3 Comments

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